As I lay here, close to midnight, on a Sunday night. I can’t help but think of all the things I have done wrong in my life. Making decisions to make other people happy. As I sit on the verge of maybe making myself happy for once all I can think about is the happiness of others. I cannot for the life of me bring myself to make any changes that would effect the lives of others. Despite the depression, despite the anxiety, despite my true feelings. How can someone deal with such emotions and come out all right? How can someone deny themselves happiness for others for so long without going crazy? For the kids? For the family? So that they may grow up not having to tell their friends and spouses that they have someone weird in their family. These are the things that keep me up at night. I watch only comedy movies now because anything else causes me deep anxiety. I think about everything else except for this one thing that is causing all the problems. Maybe it’s time to move some priorities around and do this one thing for me. They say that when you are truly happy, only then can you make others happy. Is this true? Or is this a lie? I want to be able to have courage but I am a coward.

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